My Randomness

My coach had her baby yesterday. Her daughter was born yesterday afternoon, and she is a "beautiful, healthy baby girl, and mother and daughter are doing fine!" End quote. I listened to people at work today cooing about it, and imagined my coach in her hospital room, with the bassinet in her room with her, the baby inside, or in her arms...and remembered my own hospital stay. Lying in the bed with meds in me to force the contractions, the pain as I tried to force my dead baby from my body. Nurses coming and going, Allen walking around the room, as I sobbed in my bed for all that I had lost. I wondered today what it would have been like to have gotten to the 9th month. Been swollen and exhausted by the weight I carried of my unborn child, to have felt her moving inside me...and I wanted to scream. To cry yes, but more to just express my deep abiding rage at the cruelty of the universe for robbing me of a moment like my coach had today. Like all the moments she'll have ever...

I've stayed friends with my ex, which is funny really given how ugly things got there at the end and all that remains unsaid (on my part at least) in the aftermath. I'm not someone that has ever been comfortable with just cutting anyone out of my life though, I want to hold on, always,, even when everything and everyone around me is saying it's past time to let go. The point is, that Allen and I still talk on a fairly regular basis, and in fact I bought him and his kids and nephew and nieces some Christmas gifts (which I'm late sending but will) and tonight I found myself unable to resist the self abuse of pointing out to him that he makes comments in conversation about the things his wife "makes" him do, when while we were together he wouldn't have done anything I tried to make him do. When I tried to suggest he needed to take medicine he would inform he knew what he needed and didn't need me to tell him, if I tried to get him to stay in bed or for th...