Interesting things I recently talked to me ex about...

I've stayed friends with my ex, which is funny really given how ugly things got there at the end and all that remains unsaid (on my part at least) in the aftermath. I'm not someone that has ever been comfortable with just cutting anyone out of my life though, I want to hold on, always,, even when everything and everyone around me is saying it's past time to let go. The point is, that Allen and I still talk on a fairly regular basis, and in fact I bought him and his kids and nephew and nieces some Christmas gifts (which I'm late sending but will) and tonight I found myself unable to resist the self abuse of pointing out to him that he makes comments in conversation about the things his wife "makes" him do, when while we were together he wouldn't have done anything I tried to make him do. When I tried to suggest he needed to take medicine he would inform he knew what he needed and didn't need me to tell him, if I tried to get him to stay in bed or for that matter go to bed he would tell me he was incapable of it, was trained out of it as a child, or that he didn't want to wasn't ready to, would do it when he was. Now he informs me stays in bed to cuddle with his wife during daylight hours or goes back to bed during the day when she's home to be with her. I've mentioned that as well. I have mentioned I'm a bit of a masochist right? His response is generally that he's changing. My thought is he is willing to change for her because he loves her, and he did not love me. It just makes sense to me. He painted the same room of his trailer for his 2nd and 3rd wives because they didn't like the color to a color they chose, he would not agree to a color I liked that he didn't while we were together, It's little things that show his feelings for the women he chose to marry, that he did not do with me. I hear your little brains working saying "So?" and the response I have is so....nothing I suppose. It just means that I believed him when he said he loved me, and I gave myself to that love, took a risk and moved a thousand miles away to gamble on a love that it turns out was one sided. I still love my ex. If he told me tomorrow that his marriage was a mistake and he wanted me I would be thrilled. I wouldn't move back to him, he'd have to come to me, to show me he really did love me but I would take him back. Even after this, after being convinced in my heart that he didn't really love me. What does that say about me?

I suppose it says that I don't believe anyone will ever love me. That the best I can hope for is someone will let me love them. That;s the ugly truth. I don't see myself finding someone that picks me. That looks around sees me and says to themselves, "That's the girl I wanna spend my life with!!! Her!!!" That's just not who I am, I'm the girl that's friends with that girl, or that guy. That's why I'm single at 38 and have only had one relationship in my adult life, because I'm just not that girl.

He tells me I can't give up looking, that I have to put myself out there and meet people. Why would I want to humiliate myself hoping to find someone when it's not going to happen? Even if I did meet someone, how would I know if they were being honest? He promised me we were going to build a new life together, that we would be happy, that it didn't matter what anyone else said because we were going to show them all by being happy together....then 10 moths later he dumped me to start dating someone else the very next day that he married 3 months later. How could I trust anyone after that? Why would I risk my heart again????

I'm not (very) angry. I'm not (very) bitter. Most days I'm okay with things, but ya know, masochist...so sometimes I am angry and I am bitter and I am sad. I want to cry or scream or throw things...sometimes I want to hear him admit, okay yeah you were a place holder because I didn't want to be alone, and it was clear you'd fallen in love so I let you love me and tried to love you back but couldn't, so ya know I sent you away knowing I was going to break it off and figuring it would be easier if you were a thousand miles away when I did it. Of course the truth is it wouldn't be better, just honest. That's what I believe anyway, and undoubtedly he will say that's my opinion, not facts, and we will agree to disagree and he will be aggravated  that I don't believe him when it's his feelings under discussion. This was a frequent point of debate.

I could make his argument here, I know the points of it, but this is my blog, not his, so I'm not going to. Suffice it to say he has a side too. Maybe I'm wrong and he did love me, I'd like to believe that