I'm Being Swallowed By A Boa Constrictor...

 My mom may be dying. I just buried my "step-jerk" on December 6th, I wrote his obituary, planned his viewing and burial, made the arrangements, drove Mom, chose Paul's casket, and arranged for the opening and closing of the vault where he was placed. I still have to settle the estate and take care of the final bills, but my mom went to the hospital on January 1st and has been there since then.

I ugly sobbed in my car the other day with Duncan and his friend Scott, when it really hit me. Karissa can't deal so she has been hiding ignoring the world and reality. I am not prepared to exist in a world that doesn't have my mom in it

I will do whatever I have to to keep moving forward, but when I stop finding ways to keep my hands busy and have time to examine my emotions I will not recover

I can't even unpack the fact that the primary source of my teen misery, the emotionally abusive fuck, that sexually assaulted me on two occasions, abused Kim, that treated my mother like shit received his karmic return, My mom is devastated, and if that contributes to her death I will be furious. 

I told Mom that I thought her prime in life was right before she met Paul, cause she was a fuckin' boss, a working single mom of two with her own apartment, friends, a life, I admired her so much for the example she set as a woman for us. She said she was sad because she didn't get to spend time with us. That her best memories are with grandma when she was a kid, and when I was a baby and we would get up early and spend the mornings together before she went to work.

The morning I called the ambulance to come to get her in the family group chat I came under fire by family members saying I wasn't able to do enough. I wound up staying off the chat for 24 hours to just make it very clear, I am gonna do what I think is the best, but I will try and allow Mom to maintain her autonomy as much as possible for as long as possible. 

I love my family, even the ones I don't like all the time. That's a big ass tangled fucking mess, but I also feel very removed, 

I realized that the great loves of my life never loved me the way I loved them. I was the other woman, a lover, a friend/roommate, or a sex toy. I've never been someone's love of their life. 

Ugh, it's all just too fucking much. I am short circuiting on emotional overload.