My Randomness

So a friend just announced yesterday that she is pregnant, about 5 weeks in, and while I should have jumped on the bandwagon posting my congratulations, happy that her dreams of becoming a mom are finally coming true, I cried...again.   I want to be happy for her, instead I am depressed and angry and guilt ridden for being depressed and angry, and it's a vicious cycle that just doesn't stop. I hate that she is getting the dream I want so badly. I hid her on my news feed, so I don't have to spend the better part of the next year being reminded over and over again of my own failure.      That's how I see it, a failure. Rationally, obviously I know I can't control it, well not really. I could do things to help the cause I suppose loose weight, take vitamins, maybe save up and buy sperm to try AI but in the end it still comes down to luck fate what have you. Some people aren't meant to be biological parents and it seems I am one of those people. Unfortunately, eve...

Okay, so maintaining my recent theme...as I approach 40 I am noticing some changes. Looking into a mirror today to put on some make up I noticed two lines above my top lip. Now, as much as I would love to say they are scars from "that thing that happened that one time". They're not. They are wrinkles!! Now obviously I knew, intellectually, that one day I would get wrinkles..laugh lines, crows feet..but these are above my lip and they make me look OLD!!!! What the hell is happening to my body? I have the requisite lines between by eyebrows (from a seemingly endless facial look of WTF?!) but where on earth did the lip lines come from? I showed my mom and she said she saw one maybe but I saw them both, I know she's lying. When did what I see in my head stop matching what my mirror is showing me? I'm calling Shennanigans on this damn it!!      The other day I was shaving my legs and I noticed the tops of my thighs have skin that sags down. Now the one thing I felt co...

In just a few months I'm going to be 40. Here are somethings I want to share with 20 year old me... Dear Me, 1. Get back to school fool!!!!!!!     Life is expensive, and you will have a way better time if you bite the bullet and go back and do things right! Being a telemarketer may seem like a step up from the fast food you're doing right now, but I promise it's a tiny step, and if you're not going to believe me here's a hint,don't throw away the paper hat!!! 2.Get in shape     You're young and you're only a little out of shape but you have more elasticity NOW then you will later so fix it! 3. Set up a retirement plan     You make think you don't need to worry yet....you do. 4. Remember these people     Some of them won't be around when we meet, but the times you have with them now are still gonna be sweet!!! 5.Get pregnant Most of all I wanna tell you it's gonna be a really bumpy ride, so try and have fu...

My father didn't love me. When I was about a year old he and his wife (who, for the record, is not my mother) moved away and until I hunted him as an adult he never called, wrote made inquiries about me. I hear you asking, how do you know that? Cause my family didn't stray far from the old homestead for many many years and even a casual attempt to find would have borne fruit. When I did finally track him down and explain who I was the first words my father said to me were,"What can I do for you? Yes, I know who you are. What do you want?" No explanations, no apologies...nothing. Questions about my extended family brought a similar reaction. When I asked for contact info about my "aunt" I was told he would rather not, she didn't know about me, and wouldn't care except as further proof of what a failure as a person he was. I was told I would have to wait for him to speak to my paternal grandparents first before being allowed to contact them. I was i...

Well my bff has decided to move. I know it's what she's wanted for a while, like since she got here, so one the one hand I'm happy for her, but on the other I'm terribly sad. I will miss her like mad but even worse I'll miss the kids. As you grow up you expect to move on to move away from friends, for them to marry, or you to (unless you're, ya know, me) but my life took a side turn about 15 years ago. I was like many twenty-somethings living with my friends when my sister got pregnant. She had a beautiful little boy whom I adored, as did my bff and anyone who laid eyes on him!! Then 4 months later he died. I'm not going to tell that story a. if you read my blog you already know it b. it's long and depressing. After Aaron died the night before his funeral we found out my bestie was pregnant with my eldest godson. Almost 8 months later Duncan was born, now I love all three of my godsons, each one in a special way but Duncan is extra special. He was where ...