They should have called it middle aged wasteland
So a friend just announced yesterday that she is pregnant, about 5 weeks in, and while I should have jumped on the bandwagon posting my congratulations, happy that her dreams of becoming a mom are finally coming true, I cried...again.
I want to be happy for her, instead I am depressed and angry and guilt ridden for being depressed and angry, and it's a vicious cycle that just doesn't stop. I hate that she is getting the dream I want so badly. I hid her on my news feed, so I don't have to spend the better part of the next year being reminded over and over again of my own failure.
That's how I see it, a failure. Rationally, obviously I know I can't control it, well not really. I could do things to help the cause I suppose loose weight, take vitamins, maybe save up and buy sperm to try AI but in the end it still comes down to luck fate what have you. Some people aren't meant to be biological parents and it seems I am one of those people. Unfortunately, every time I think I've come to grips with that information something like this happens and it knocks me on my ass, a painful slap in the face to my precious self delusions.
What is wrong with me? I mean biologically speaking, child bearing is literally what my body was designed for. So why is it that, the one time I managed to get pregnant not only did my body not do it's job, but actually attacked my unborn daughter and killed her? Why can't I do something, so simple even a child can do it? (The youngest woman to ever give birth was 8) Again, I ask what is wrong with me???
And it does no god to tell myself, financially I am in no position to have a child, that I can barely afford to take care of myself. Or that as a terminally single woman I would carry the responsibility alone. These are logic arguments and this is wholly matter of the heart. My heart breaks into tiny pieces at news that someone is pregnant and I hate them for the simple fact that they have what I never will.
I called my mom yesterday, and told her the news and her reaction was, "well see there is hope, she's been trying for like 1 years to have a baby!" So, not what I was looking for. I don't want someone to blow sunshine up my ass with false hope, and it is false, at 40 after three years of charting my cycles trying on the right days taking my temperature and logging all my intercourse I have to accept that it just isn't going to happen. Ever. What I needed was for her to tell me she was sorry that she knew it hurt but that I would get through and somehow it would be okay. I didn't get that. I'm not sure why I thought I would, she hopes for me. She dreams that I will give her her first granddaughter. Even if I know deep down inside I never will
I want to be happy for her, instead I am depressed and angry and guilt ridden for being depressed and angry, and it's a vicious cycle that just doesn't stop. I hate that she is getting the dream I want so badly. I hid her on my news feed, so I don't have to spend the better part of the next year being reminded over and over again of my own failure.
That's how I see it, a failure. Rationally, obviously I know I can't control it, well not really. I could do things to help the cause I suppose loose weight, take vitamins, maybe save up and buy sperm to try AI but in the end it still comes down to luck fate what have you. Some people aren't meant to be biological parents and it seems I am one of those people. Unfortunately, every time I think I've come to grips with that information something like this happens and it knocks me on my ass, a painful slap in the face to my precious self delusions.
What is wrong with me? I mean biologically speaking, child bearing is literally what my body was designed for. So why is it that, the one time I managed to get pregnant not only did my body not do it's job, but actually attacked my unborn daughter and killed her? Why can't I do something, so simple even a child can do it? (The youngest woman to ever give birth was 8) Again, I ask what is wrong with me???
And it does no god to tell myself, financially I am in no position to have a child, that I can barely afford to take care of myself. Or that as a terminally single woman I would carry the responsibility alone. These are logic arguments and this is wholly matter of the heart. My heart breaks into tiny pieces at news that someone is pregnant and I hate them for the simple fact that they have what I never will.
I called my mom yesterday, and told her the news and her reaction was, "well see there is hope, she's been trying for like 1 years to have a baby!" So, not what I was looking for. I don't want someone to blow sunshine up my ass with false hope, and it is false, at 40 after three years of charting my cycles trying on the right days taking my temperature and logging all my intercourse I have to accept that it just isn't going to happen. Ever. What I needed was for her to tell me she was sorry that she knew it hurt but that I would get through and somehow it would be okay. I didn't get that. I'm not sure why I thought I would, she hopes for me. She dreams that I will give her her first granddaughter. Even if I know deep down inside I never will
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