My Randomness

 I don't know where to start. I wonder about the line between wanting to word vomit my intrusive thoughts, to try and purge the litany of self loathing and seeming to whine about self serving bullshit when there are people with problems that aren't self inflicted. Am I a victim? Or is that self agrandizing ?    I hate myself. I think I'm lazy, and selfish and entitled and spoiled. I have massive imposter syndrome, like my friends think I'm a good person, but I'm scared my extended family think I suck and I guess I'm scared they could be right. to be continued

 My mom may be dying. I just buried my "step-jerk" on December 6th, I wrote his obituary, planned his viewing and burial, made the arrangements, drove Mom, chose Paul's casket, and arranged for the opening and closing of the vault where he was placed. I still have to settle the estate and take care of the final bills, but my mom went to the hospital on January 1st and has been there since then. I ugly sobbed in my car the other day with Duncan and his friend Scott, when it really hit me. Karissa can't deal so she has been hiding ignoring the world and reality. I am not prepared to exist in a world that doesn't have my mom in it I will do whatever I have to to keep moving forward, but when I stop finding ways to keep my hands busy and have time to examine my emotions I will not recover I can't even unpack the fact that the primary source of my teen misery, the emotionally abusive fuck, that sexually assaulted me on two occasions, abused Kim, that treated my mot...