I was a teenage victim

If you grow up in a home with emotional and verbal abuse you develop certain traits...for starters you can smell a dangerous mood. Walk in to a room and you will immediately know when someone is on the verge of a wig out. This is useful! Other traits are decidedly less so. I hate confrontation, I will go to extreme lengths to avoid arguing with someone. The result is I wind up with a lot of pent up frustration and unresolved issues with people who are often clueless as to why I am so angry. I also have a horrible temper, inanimate objects usually suffer the most at my hands...doors are slammed, items are thrown, things of that nature, but when pushed too far I can and will snap and become a vicious stranger who will say terrible things. I try, even at my most enraged, to never say "that thing". You know the thing I mean, the one thing that is their Achilles's heel. The thing that will do the most damage. Sometimes I fail. The worst thing I have ever said to someone was after my nephew died. My cousin informed us she wouldn't be attending the funeral because her then husband, with whom we had a long standing feud, was not invited. In a fit of grief laden rage I told her, " I hope your baby dies, so you can know what this feels like!" She was five months pregnant at the time. It is one of the moments of my life of which I am most ashamed. I called her later and apologized and we are fine now, but it was the most hurtful thing I could have said, and frankly, and I almost never use this term, it was evil. Words can't be taken back. Once spoken they are out there forever, and I of all people know how much damage they can do. I never said anything I regret to my godsons, but I yelled sometimes. I regret raising my voice, and all the soothing murmmers and cuddles and kisses and non stop assurances of love can not make up for living in a household where yelling is a norm. I am damaged by my experiences and I hope that I have not damaged them. I worry about that, I worry about my ability to chose someone for myself that will be a healthy person, I can forge a lifetime partnership with.