My Obsession

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It's been almost 4 months since I lost the baby....seems so short when I type it but it feels like a lifetime. I've grieved and tried to move on but if I'm honest, which I am tonight, I haven't moved on at all. I've become obsessed, with the loss with replacing the baby I lost with a new pregnancy. As I think on it tonight,I'm struck with this epiphany, it has become my obsession. The idea of getting pregnant fills my thoughts to the point that I think of very little else. It's poisoning my relationship, there are other issues like all couples, but I'm realizing that the anger and depression this has caused is the main thing that's slowly choking the life out of us. I don't know how to fix it, how to let go of any of it, how to move on. I feel stuck!!!

How do I let go and focus instead on rebuilding my life when all I can think of is what I've lost? Logically I know that it's not healthy to try and replace the daughter I lost but telling myself that doesn't change how I FEEL.

I love my boyfriend, I want to save our relationship and try and build a healthy life with him but it may be too late...the depression that's slipped over me isn't one I'm used to, it's made me more neurotic even than I already am, more over sensitive, more everything. Which is not me saying that all our problems are my fault, because this was an epiphany not a self delusion!! lol He has plenty of issues and he bears some responsibility for our problems but I finally see the root cause of my part in this.

Ugh, self examination sucks!!

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