If Life's A Dance, I Think I Have Two Left Feet
So, let's review shall we? I reconnected with an old "friend", fell in love...agreed to move a thousand miles away to be with him, had my mom fly him here first as my birthday gift last year to try it out first, and got pregnant. My first pregnancy ever, something I'd given up on. I was so happy, I had a man I loved, a real relationship for the first time ever, a baby on the way, a whole new life. So what if my friends thought I was crazy, my family thought it was a mistake? I mean here was everything I ever dreamed of, and I had him telling me he was going to love me forever, and we were going to build a new life together. So I went, I quit my jobs, I gave up my apartment, gave all my furniture away, and just closed my eyes took a deep breath and leaped off the cliff.
Cut to October 8th, I lost the baby. I went into labor, and my daughter died. Apparently my body has like way more bacteria than ya know, everyone else. So while she should have been safe inside my womb, my body said," fuck that noise!" and killed her. I can't talk to much about what that was like, go back and read it , if you want to. It's depressing as hell, fair warning! I went home to our tiny FEMA trailer and licked my wounds, and waited for the world to make sense again. Then I get a call, from Regions Bank, and hey, a job, a good job, I found a reason to have hope for salvaging a life. I started working, and I was GOOD, no shit people. I was the best in my training class, everyone was impressed by me. Until...I had neglected to mention an old mistake on my application,so I was fired.
This is a pathetic story right? Keep reading, it gets better! (not really)
So now I have no baby, no friends, no job, and oh did I mention, my loving boyfriend had over drafted my checking account by around $300.00? Yeah, so I had gotten approved for a credit card, and just in time, here came the holidays, so we maxed it out, replacing his cell phone, going out to eat a couple times, and buying his kids Christmas gifts. No worries though, surely I'd find a job soon, and anyway tax returns were coming soon...The doctors said we could try again to get pregnant, and he said in March he might be ready.
I wanted to try sooner but I agreed because I loved him, and as long as he was willing to try I would wait.
Ohhhh, hang on, this story is not complete until I mention Maryam!!!! Maryam, who I knew as kid, who's mom I loved and mourned when she died of cancer, and who I hadn't talked to in ages. We reconnected as well also through Facebook (Facebook is evil people, seriously!) Maryam had started texting with my boyfriend's cousin, and they "fell in love" she was my new best friend, I could talk to her, when I was frustrated, being cut off from my family and friends and trying to deal with a boyfriend who had massive mood swings, a sex drive way lower than mine, who didn't and wouldn't talk to me like he had when we chatted before, who wouldn't let me in anymore. I could tell her what was bothering me, she encouraged it, first sympathizing, telling me how she understood, how his cousin thought he treated me like shit, and hated being around the two of us because of it, then when she finally got there (to Mississippi) telling me she wanted me to stay but to leave him, that she didn't believe he loved me, that he was capable of kindness and consideration but just not to me, egging me into complaining, while unbeknownst to me telling him every complaint I made, telling me to get pregnant anyway, then telling him I wanted to get pregnant and leave him.
Let me be clear, I thought about it, I wanted a baby so badly after the miscarriage, that of course I thought about it, but I wanted his baby, I loved him, and wanted that bond with him, and I would never have walked away, taken his child from him. I couldn't, do that. I stayed in a relationship where I was unhappy most of the time for weeks after I sensed that he had given up loving me, because I loved him so much.
So then he tells me to go home, I haven't worked in months, and we talked about my coming back to PA, getting a job, staying with my best friend and going to nursing school for a year, them coming back to him and the kids. I agreed, why wouldn't I? My step jerk said he'd give me a job, so it was all planned, my mom bought me a ticket home, and away I went....
Now it's March, I arrive home, to find my step jerk changed his mind, no job here either. My best friend decided to move in with her boyfriend, my old job has no place for me, and my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me. text him, and he ignores me, when we do talk I tell him how much I miss him and the kids, he doesn't respond unless I ask him to.When I complain, say how I need him to be more obviously affectionate, he says I'm selfish, that he has all these bills from the months I was there and all I care about is me me me.
Side note: We had begun renovating a trailer while I was there, a gift to him from a friend that never wanted to see him and his daughter on the streets again, His mother originally said she would NOT pay to move the trailer or give him a spot for it, until MY mother said she would co-sign a loan for us to try. Then she decided she didn't want us trapped with interest payments we might not be able to afford, so she paid, and we agreed to pay her her back.. So we bought paint and painted the house, tried to make it a home, I didn't do much, but I tried, I painted I picked colors. We racked up about 15k n debt to his mother and step father. We also had a couple grand in utility bills. All in his name. We had taken my tax refund and paid off a loan and reopened it, paid off my credit cards which he then maxed out again, buying speakers, stuff for the kids, electronics, a TV that was my Valentine's gift and various odds and ends. The two credit cards are in my name.
Back to my tale: After several weeks of this, he decided to break up with me. What I didn't know then but do now, is he had met someone right after I left, a woman through a friend that he did a tattoo for and started dating her, moved her into our home. He broke up with me, by changing his relationship status on Facebook, didn't text me, didn't call me. Just went from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated".
When he finally did talk to me he said he just didn't think it would work, that we weren't happy, and he didn't want a big scene. He said we'd stay friends, that he would send me my daughter's ashes, and I could keep my cell phone (on his account) as long as I paid the bill. We were very mature, very polite...until...I had asked him for a shirt when I left, something special, that he cared about that I could keep close to remind me of him while I was far away. He chose a shirt he never wore, he wore it one day for a few hours and gave it to me. So I took a jersey, his football jersey, something I knew he loved, that would keep me close to him. I didn't tell him, but I did tell Maryam! She showed him the text, I'd sent saying I had it. He blew up, told me I was a piece of shit, that he was glad he dumped me, that I was a thief, and he was shutting off my phone. I begged him to understand, that I hadn't planned on keeping his shirt, that I knew he didn't really care about the shirt he'd given me, and that if I'd known the jersey had been a gift from his son I wouldn't have taken it. He wouldn't listen. He turned off the phone and blocked me on Facebook. I sent the shirt back, I had promised, and I kept my word. After a couple days he sent me a new friend request, said he had calmed down, and we could in fact be friends. He said again that he would send me my daughter's ashes when he got paid again. That was in April, it's almost July, and I still don't have them. He doesn't talk to me anymore, but he posts all the time about how in love he is with her. The kind of posts I wanted, that asking for made me a me me me person.
I was gonna go on to list all my post breakup crap, but I'm tired and this took way to long...
short version (I will expand later) I still can't find a job, my credit cards have been charged off, I'm alone, I had my first date tonight and I was stood up! I'm ok at this point with my relationship being over, but I don't believe I'll ever love anyone again. I don't trust me, I certainly don't trust any man I choose. Sometimes, a lot of times, I want to die. I'm still here, still going though. For now...
Cut to October 8th, I lost the baby. I went into labor, and my daughter died. Apparently my body has like way more bacteria than ya know, everyone else. So while she should have been safe inside my womb, my body said," fuck that noise!" and killed her. I can't talk to much about what that was like, go back and read it , if you want to. It's depressing as hell, fair warning! I went home to our tiny FEMA trailer and licked my wounds, and waited for the world to make sense again. Then I get a call, from Regions Bank, and hey, a job, a good job, I found a reason to have hope for salvaging a life. I started working, and I was GOOD, no shit people. I was the best in my training class, everyone was impressed by me. Until...I had neglected to mention an old mistake on my application,so I was fired.
This is a pathetic story right? Keep reading, it gets better! (not really)
So now I have no baby, no friends, no job, and oh did I mention, my loving boyfriend had over drafted my checking account by around $300.00? Yeah, so I had gotten approved for a credit card, and just in time, here came the holidays, so we maxed it out, replacing his cell phone, going out to eat a couple times, and buying his kids Christmas gifts. No worries though, surely I'd find a job soon, and anyway tax returns were coming soon...The doctors said we could try again to get pregnant, and he said in March he might be ready.
I wanted to try sooner but I agreed because I loved him, and as long as he was willing to try I would wait.
Ohhhh, hang on, this story is not complete until I mention Maryam!!!! Maryam, who I knew as kid, who's mom I loved and mourned when she died of cancer, and who I hadn't talked to in ages. We reconnected as well also through Facebook (Facebook is evil people, seriously!) Maryam had started texting with my boyfriend's cousin, and they "fell in love" she was my new best friend, I could talk to her, when I was frustrated, being cut off from my family and friends and trying to deal with a boyfriend who had massive mood swings, a sex drive way lower than mine, who didn't and wouldn't talk to me like he had when we chatted before, who wouldn't let me in anymore. I could tell her what was bothering me, she encouraged it, first sympathizing, telling me how she understood, how his cousin thought he treated me like shit, and hated being around the two of us because of it, then when she finally got there (to Mississippi) telling me she wanted me to stay but to leave him, that she didn't believe he loved me, that he was capable of kindness and consideration but just not to me, egging me into complaining, while unbeknownst to me telling him every complaint I made, telling me to get pregnant anyway, then telling him I wanted to get pregnant and leave him.
Let me be clear, I thought about it, I wanted a baby so badly after the miscarriage, that of course I thought about it, but I wanted his baby, I loved him, and wanted that bond with him, and I would never have walked away, taken his child from him. I couldn't, do that. I stayed in a relationship where I was unhappy most of the time for weeks after I sensed that he had given up loving me, because I loved him so much.
So then he tells me to go home, I haven't worked in months, and we talked about my coming back to PA, getting a job, staying with my best friend and going to nursing school for a year, them coming back to him and the kids. I agreed, why wouldn't I? My step jerk said he'd give me a job, so it was all planned, my mom bought me a ticket home, and away I went....
Now it's March, I arrive home, to find my step jerk changed his mind, no job here either. My best friend decided to move in with her boyfriend, my old job has no place for me, and my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me. text him, and he ignores me, when we do talk I tell him how much I miss him and the kids, he doesn't respond unless I ask him to.When I complain, say how I need him to be more obviously affectionate, he says I'm selfish, that he has all these bills from the months I was there and all I care about is me me me.
Side note: We had begun renovating a trailer while I was there, a gift to him from a friend that never wanted to see him and his daughter on the streets again, His mother originally said she would NOT pay to move the trailer or give him a spot for it, until MY mother said she would co-sign a loan for us to try. Then she decided she didn't want us trapped with interest payments we might not be able to afford, so she paid, and we agreed to pay her her back.. So we bought paint and painted the house, tried to make it a home, I didn't do much, but I tried, I painted I picked colors. We racked up about 15k n debt to his mother and step father. We also had a couple grand in utility bills. All in his name. We had taken my tax refund and paid off a loan and reopened it, paid off my credit cards which he then maxed out again, buying speakers, stuff for the kids, electronics, a TV that was my Valentine's gift and various odds and ends. The two credit cards are in my name.
Back to my tale: After several weeks of this, he decided to break up with me. What I didn't know then but do now, is he had met someone right after I left, a woman through a friend that he did a tattoo for and started dating her, moved her into our home. He broke up with me, by changing his relationship status on Facebook, didn't text me, didn't call me. Just went from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated".
When he finally did talk to me he said he just didn't think it would work, that we weren't happy, and he didn't want a big scene. He said we'd stay friends, that he would send me my daughter's ashes, and I could keep my cell phone (on his account) as long as I paid the bill. We were very mature, very polite...until...I had asked him for a shirt when I left, something special, that he cared about that I could keep close to remind me of him while I was far away. He chose a shirt he never wore, he wore it one day for a few hours and gave it to me. So I took a jersey, his football jersey, something I knew he loved, that would keep me close to him. I didn't tell him, but I did tell Maryam! She showed him the text, I'd sent saying I had it. He blew up, told me I was a piece of shit, that he was glad he dumped me, that I was a thief, and he was shutting off my phone. I begged him to understand, that I hadn't planned on keeping his shirt, that I knew he didn't really care about the shirt he'd given me, and that if I'd known the jersey had been a gift from his son I wouldn't have taken it. He wouldn't listen. He turned off the phone and blocked me on Facebook. I sent the shirt back, I had promised, and I kept my word. After a couple days he sent me a new friend request, said he had calmed down, and we could in fact be friends. He said again that he would send me my daughter's ashes when he got paid again. That was in April, it's almost July, and I still don't have them. He doesn't talk to me anymore, but he posts all the time about how in love he is with her. The kind of posts I wanted, that asking for made me a me me me person.
I was gonna go on to list all my post breakup crap, but I'm tired and this took way to long...
short version (I will expand later) I still can't find a job, my credit cards have been charged off, I'm alone, I had my first date tonight and I was stood up! I'm ok at this point with my relationship being over, but I don't believe I'll ever love anyone again. I don't trust me, I certainly don't trust any man I choose. Sometimes, a lot of times, I want to die. I'm still here, still going though. For now...
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