babies babies everywhere...
I'm sure it's not really the case, but I feel like everywhere I turn I'm being confronted with pregnancies babies, reproductive issues...it's like drowning in a sea of motherhood. This is what it feels like to those of you who wonder to be approaching 40 and childless. The fact that I was pregnant just over a year doesn't help. You hear about the "biological clock" ticking away and when you're 20 you shrug it off thinking that will never be you...then you get to your thirties and you laugh self consciously while telling yourself you still have plenty of time...
I'm 38, and each period I get feels like a step closer to a death sentence for a child I don't have. The truth is I will almost certainly never be a mother, and I grow more convinced every day that I will also never find someone to spend my life with. These are the hard truths I grapple with daily. Telling myself, that I don't actually KNOW that these are facts, while inside I wail at the dark terror that grips me of growing old alone without a family of my own. I have essentially no relationship with any of my siblings, my mother and I are extremely close but her health has never been great, and I know that she will not be with me forever.
One of my co-workers is pregnant, and throwing a baby shower next month that everyone is invited to, I've rsvp'd and part of me wants very much to attend, to spend time celebrating with co-workers but another part of balks at the thought of spending several hours devoted to celebrating the one thing I want more than anything that I feel like I will never have.
I have been told over and over that what happened was beyond control, it was "just one of those things" but it doesn't matter, I blame myself, my body betrayed me, attacked my baby and killed her, and I wonder if I had stayed in Pennsylvania would the doctor's here have caught it in time? If I had said something when I first woke up in pain, and insisted on going to the er then would it have been in time? What if I had said no to the amnio? The questions and doubts haunt me endlessly, and nothing that anyone else says will stop them.
My cousin is having her tubes ties, and while I respect her decision, and understand the reasons behind it, part of me wants to scream NO!!! How can you give up the chance to create a life and feel it grow inside you, to nurture it and bring it into the world?? The truth if course is I know the answer to those questions and it's simply me projecting my issues onto her. Which is unfair, obviously. Yet still a small voice inside my head cries/
I cannot explain to you what it's like to be obsessed with thought of getting pregnant, of having a child, the illogical rage I feel at random people or the sudden overwhelming despair that sometimes grips me when I really think about not being a parent. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I can be fine one minute then want to do nothing but sob the next.
My mother is in some ways worse than me..she constantly tells me it's not a lost cause, that I just have to find my moment and have "an encounter" that will lead to my becoming pregnant. Which is easier said than done believe me. I love her for trying to be encouraging and hate that she tries to push me into something I don't really believe will ever happen. I may be insane. It certainly wouldn't surprise me given my family history. Maybe this all delusion, of my fevered brain, and I'm actually locked in a mental ward somewhere rocking a doll in catatonia! lol The frightening [art of that is I'm not entirely certain which option I prefer!
I'm 38, and each period I get feels like a step closer to a death sentence for a child I don't have. The truth is I will almost certainly never be a mother, and I grow more convinced every day that I will also never find someone to spend my life with. These are the hard truths I grapple with daily. Telling myself, that I don't actually KNOW that these are facts, while inside I wail at the dark terror that grips me of growing old alone without a family of my own. I have essentially no relationship with any of my siblings, my mother and I are extremely close but her health has never been great, and I know that she will not be with me forever.
One of my co-workers is pregnant, and throwing a baby shower next month that everyone is invited to, I've rsvp'd and part of me wants very much to attend, to spend time celebrating with co-workers but another part of balks at the thought of spending several hours devoted to celebrating the one thing I want more than anything that I feel like I will never have.
I have been told over and over that what happened was beyond control, it was "just one of those things" but it doesn't matter, I blame myself, my body betrayed me, attacked my baby and killed her, and I wonder if I had stayed in Pennsylvania would the doctor's here have caught it in time? If I had said something when I first woke up in pain, and insisted on going to the er then would it have been in time? What if I had said no to the amnio? The questions and doubts haunt me endlessly, and nothing that anyone else says will stop them.
My cousin is having her tubes ties, and while I respect her decision, and understand the reasons behind it, part of me wants to scream NO!!! How can you give up the chance to create a life and feel it grow inside you, to nurture it and bring it into the world?? The truth if course is I know the answer to those questions and it's simply me projecting my issues onto her. Which is unfair, obviously. Yet still a small voice inside my head cries/
I cannot explain to you what it's like to be obsessed with thought of getting pregnant, of having a child, the illogical rage I feel at random people or the sudden overwhelming despair that sometimes grips me when I really think about not being a parent. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I can be fine one minute then want to do nothing but sob the next.
My mother is in some ways worse than me..she constantly tells me it's not a lost cause, that I just have to find my moment and have "an encounter" that will lead to my becoming pregnant. Which is easier said than done believe me. I love her for trying to be encouraging and hate that she tries to push me into something I don't really believe will ever happen. I may be insane. It certainly wouldn't surprise me given my family history. Maybe this all delusion, of my fevered brain, and I'm actually locked in a mental ward somewhere rocking a doll in catatonia! lol The frightening [art of that is I'm not entirely certain which option I prefer!
Comments
Post a Comment