My Randomness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fghCxpKkUa0 I am not stupid. Really though, I'm not And yet...      I am still friends with my ex, we talk on Facebook a couple of times a week on average, we Skype, and I ask about his family and the animals and just life in general down there.  We talked last night, and looking at him on Skype, seeing in OUR home, while he talks about his wife and kids I hate him, and I remember falling in love with him. Our ten months play behind my eyes and I listen to him talk about things that make me want to scream with frustration because they are kinds of things we DIDN'T fight about but that we should have. The things he does that I think are stupid or aggravate the hell out of me and it's who he is and I am who I am and while I still look at him and think ,"I still want him so badly it aches." I also realize we could never work together for the rest of our lives. This thought makes me wonder how we fell in love, in some ways I see th...

Mother of ashes that's all I am my womb a place of death empty and cold The life within withers and dies fed on poison nourished on death I am the bringer of despair hear the toll of death chimes in place of a beating heart the whisper of tears The shadows I  deliver and suckle at my breast are shades and wraiths and all I will ever know Mother of ashes that's all I am and all I am ever likely to be

We all make plans...some of us follow through painstakingly thought out plans for our lives getting benchmarks along the way to mark our progress as we strive toward a set goal, some of us just put a finish line in your head and head in what we consider that general direction....hoping we reach our destination eventually. I have a nebulous idea of what, ultimately, I want to accomplish in life. I want to continue my education, to have a child, to travel, to find a career that I enjoy and that I feel I am successful at, and most of all to not be alone! I try not to pin myself down to specifics, how much education, a boy or a girl, who I want to be with what specific career...I'm open on these parts, but as I approach 40 I feel this growing urgency inside myself to achieve one or more of these things soon.  Is that a good thing? Should I be buckling down and making something happen, or should I let go of the "things" I think I need and learn to just accept wher...

My coach had her baby yesterday. Her daughter was born yesterday afternoon, and she is a "beautiful, healthy baby girl, and mother and daughter are doing fine!" End quote. I listened to people at work today cooing about it, and imagined my coach in her hospital room, with the bassinet in her room with her, the baby inside, or in her arms...and remembered my own hospital stay. Lying in the bed with meds in me to force the contractions, the pain as I tried to force my dead baby from my body. Nurses coming and going, Allen walking around the room, as I sobbed in my bed for all that I had lost. I wondered today what it would have been like to have gotten to the 9th month. Been swollen and exhausted by the weight I carried of my unborn child, to have felt her moving inside me...and I wanted to scream. To cry yes, but more to just express my deep abiding rage at the cruelty of the universe for robbing me of a moment like my coach had today. Like all the moments she'll have ever...

I've stayed friends with my ex, which is funny really given how ugly things got there at the end and all that remains unsaid (on my part at least) in the aftermath. I'm not someone that has ever been comfortable with just cutting anyone out of my life though, I want to hold on, always,, even when everything and everyone around me is saying it's past time to let go. The point is, that Allen and I still talk on a fairly regular basis, and in fact I bought him and his kids and nephew and nieces some Christmas gifts (which I'm late sending but will) and tonight I found myself unable to resist the self abuse of pointing out to him that he makes comments in conversation about the things his wife "makes" him do, when while we were together he wouldn't have done anything I tried to make him do. When I tried to suggest he needed to take medicine he would inform he knew what he needed and didn't need me to tell him, if I tried to get him to stay in bed or for th...