Moving on..

Well my bff has decided to move. I know it's what she's wanted for a while, like since she got here, so one the one hand I'm happy for her, but on the other I'm terribly sad. I will miss her like mad but even worse I'll miss the kids. As you grow up you expect to move on to move away from friends, for them to marry, or you to (unless you're, ya know, me) but my life took a side turn about 15 years ago. I was like many twenty-somethings living with my friends when my sister got pregnant. She had a beautiful little boy whom I adored, as did my bff and anyone who laid eyes on him!! Then 4 months later he died. I'm not going to tell that story a. if you read my blog you already know it b. it's long and depressing. After Aaron died the night before his funeral we found out my bestie was pregnant with my eldest godson. Almost 8 months later Duncan was born, now I love all three of my godsons, each one in a special way but Duncan is extra special. He was where all the love that had no where to go after Aaron's death poured.

He was my heart. Then his dad had to go away. I remember how broken hearted that poor baby was, he was 9 months old and every day he crawled to the entry of our apartment and cried and banged his head on the wall for weeks.
    Four months later my sweet Conor boy was born. I did not get to hold that little boy for the first 9 months of his life, because his mother never let him go!! He was a "tubby tubbler" as his mother called him. His first Halloween I carried him on my shoulders as we trick or treated

In 2001 we moved in with my family in the Fredericksburg area.. Instead of working outside the home I became a "stay at home" meaning I stayed home and took care of the boys and my grandmother. In 2003 Tristan was born. My bff went back to work after the 6 weeks of maternity leave and I now had all 3 boys and a new nephew who was born just 6 months before Tristan.

I stayed home with Tristan until I went back to work in 2006 when he was 4 years old. We had just moved back to the Tidewater area and it about killed me to leave him and go back to a 9-5 job all week long. The point is I was in these kids lives every day for the lion's share of their childhoods so far. I didn't go out and make a separate life for myself, have kids of my own.To me these were my kids in a very real way. In 2009 my bff decided to try something new and she moved with the kids to Massachusetts. I moved to Pa to be closer to my family, and for 2 years I was a distant person in their lives. Then she moved here and shortly thereafter I moved to Mississippi for 8 months. Tried the whole life of my own, kid of my own thing, and failed rather spectacularly at both. So back I came and here I am 2 years later. So outside of April 2009-March of  2011 and then Aug 2011 to March 2012 a total of 30 months I've been with the boys all their lives. I can't imagine missing the rest of their childhoods. Not seeing them on every holiday and getting random drop in visits or sleepovers. It feels like losing my kids.

Which leads to the question, so what do I do with my life? I've spent my entire adult life, except that trip to Mississippi, living for someone else. My choice to do it, but there it is. So if I'm living for me, where do I go and what do I do? The short answer is I have no clue. I know I don't want to stay in Pa. I know my heart still harbors the wish for a child of my own even if my brain tells me it's beyond unlikely, but I don't have any idea what I want. 

I will probably move to Virginia. It's all so bittersweet *sigh*