John Aaron

 On Sunday night around eleven thirty p.m I received a message from an old friend whom I hadn't talked to in years, Matty B. Telling me that my friend John Aaron was gone.  Matty was the younger brother of  one of my oldest and dearest friends John Aaron.  How to describe John, he was a force of mature, he made you smile without trying, and would have taken the clothes of his back if he saw someone he felt needed them more.  People always say that but with John, it was genuinely true.  We met in Fred Franklin's Drama class my freshman year of high school.
     He lived in the development where the elementary schools were, with his mother and father, two brothers and a little sister.  I lived farther away from the high school with mu own little sister mom and her boyfriend.  We became good friends, in a large group of friends. I took care of his lovebirds when his family went on vacation,(more on that in a second) we went to the monies as a group, he was "in love" with Laura, who became my best friend later.  At least that's what we all thought.  I remember Matty came along when we went to see The Hunt For Red October, he rode in the back seat with another friend from that group Jennifer Murphy on his lap, and she grumbled because he smelled like sweat.
      You see John and his family were construction workers. All the boys helped their dad, so yeah I'm sure Matty was sweaty, but Jen was rude and a brat for saying so.  John drove a muscle car, a lifelong affair he never gave up and played Bette Middler show tunes in the car. Another life long love, that we shared, music. Even then when he drove me home from the movie, he wound up helplessly lost in the development I lived in, and ever after we would say All roads lead to 7-11, the way he eventually found to get home.
     Over the years John moved away, went to school, dropped out of school to take care of his family, went back to school, made an amazing life for himself.  He had a good job in DC he took care of his family whenever someone needed something they called him and he was, excuse the pun but, Johnny on the spot. Me, I was one of the people he took care of most of all.  He sent money, without my asking, just knowing, I could probably use 20 or 50 dollars to help me out. He came to visit and we would take pictures and drive everywhere. After high school, he and his family moved back to VA, his father had broken his back and John helped him start his own business hanging drywall, and that's when we became lifelong friends, you see what I and no one knew was inside John was struggling with the fact that he was gay.  Something that his mid-western Catholic upbringing couldn't support.
     I remember the night he told me, we were at Dalton Reservoir, a tiny spot no one knows on Quantico's land in Stafford where we would go to dream and talk and we'd seen each other a lot over the previous couple of weeks, enough so that I thought, that night, sitting in the dark with him on the pier over the water, that he was going to kiss me. That's when he told me, "There's something I need to tell you. Something I've only told a priest and nun....I'm gay."
      I was shocked, I thought he was joking, I didn't show it but I was convinced in the coming days that he would call me and say, "Gotcha!"  I listened as he poured out his heart and sould and shared with me how much he hated that he was attracted to men, how he wished he could just be "normal" and be who his dad expected him to be.  How he didn't think he would ever find a way to tell his family the dirty secret he held.
     I'm gonna skip over the drama,because that's not MY story to tell. Suffice it to say, his relationship with his father did recover and was a good if fraught one when his dad passed away His younger brother Matty was so close to him growing up, and they drifted apart as Matty grew, politics different ideologies life, got between them, and between Matt and I , luckily that relationship too had been repaired when John died.  His elder brother became a friend as well, he came out also, in his time and way and they had a great relationship.  I remember telling John once, didn't he resent the fact that he had to break all those walls down with his father first, when George was the elder brother? It seemed to me so unfair, but he said, no, George fought his own battles, and they took their own toll and he didn't resent him, at all ever, for that.
     John eventually met a man he thought he would spend his life with Chuck. They traveled and experienced the world, went to the theater, which John loved and made a beautiful home together, with a man John called Opa. Ya see John adopted parents, constantly, Edna, Nick and his wife, I'm sure there were others but I can't remember them all and those are the ones that I knew about.  He took these people into his heart and made them his family.  Until he decided he didn't want to keep chasing the almighty dollar, he wanted to do something that felt meaningful to him in this crazy world, and to take care of the people he loved.  Chuck did not agree and left.  I won't pretend I know everything that happened, what I do know is John said he felt he had been a trophy partner, and when he got older and gained weight Chuck couldn't be bothered anymore. He didn't approve of John's downward mobility and moved out and on.
     I dropped out high school.   I don't tell that to many people, I just say I graduated, and it's never been an issue before, but right now I'm trying to get a better paying job, and there background check couldn't find my diploma. So I got my GED. I finished the last test I needed (math) Monday, after that midnight phone call.  What prompted this blog today, is the thought that John would have been so proud of me.  He was my date at the 25th  reunion,and when he saw my car I got through JD Byrider, he was so proud, he told me it was a relief that I had a reliable car and mu licensce. He felt that he didn't need to worry so much about me. He would have cheered for me louder than anyone else, and I can't tell him. I'm so mad that he's not here for me tell.  Hey John Aaron, I don't need you to take care of me, look what I did?? He was only 46, he had years of living left, he had the most  full and amazing life, but I never got to say goodbye. I am angry because I feel cheated. I feel like someone took my best shiniest toy and broke it in half then walked away while I cried. and now I'm mad.  I will never have the Zen that John and George have/had I want him here, I want to scream and wail and beat my chest at the unfairness of it all.  He was so kind, he had so much to give still, we were supposed to travel together, now that I'm getting my shit together, after all those years struggling with my bipolar, my lack of education, now that I am who I'm supposed to be he's gone.  No trips to Ireland, no tropical beaches, no grand ballrooms to waltz across, he never taught me to swing dance, we never drove to Canada or L.A or anywhere like we used to talk about. Just get in the car and drive away, didn't matter where, it wasn't about the destination it was always the journey and now his road is ended, and I have to drive on without him, and I don't want to. I don't want to never hug him again, to never cuddle with him, to never look into the trees and find animal shapes as the sun sets on the water.
     and Fuck Chuck, fuck him for hurting my John, for not treasuring the gift that John Aaron was to any and all. John had value that was intrinsic and had nothing to do with being upwardly mobile he was a pearl set before swine. John would say not to judge so harshly, but JOHN'S NOT HERE TO SAY ANYTHING!!!!!!!! So Fuck you Chuck, and your dismissiveness of all that John Aaron was and did.   Take him instead universe, give me my John back and take this man who wasn't the gift John was to me.