Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?

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 Not 64 yet, but this year is 50, so I feel the song is appropriate. I'm almost old enough for a senior discount ffs. How did this happen? Or when, cause I don't feel like a senior citizen, well scratch that, my brain doesn't, nope scratch that too.....well damn, I'm old. I'm tired, I've been working since I was 14, and not at any job that was "easy", not sure that's the word, but there ya go. I've worked in customer service for most of my professional life, and it sucked. I have hated it and the pay sucks ass, BUT that's my fault. I fafo in high school so the result was my so-called career. I will say that my jobs allowed me to help support the family I created with Laura and the kids, so I'm not sorry for the choices I made, I'm just sorry I didn't provide better for that family.

Now as for my body, I may be in perimenopause, or hell menopause itself, I don't know, though my obgyn doesn't feel the need for pap smears, but is checking my blood for markers. Not sure how I feel about the idea. A part of me, a rather large part, is still mourning the reality that I will never have a biological child of my own, and I'm scared of hot flashes and hormonal changes but I also welcome an end to periods. I haven't noticed a lot of wrinkles, except the one deep line coming from my top lip on the right side, kinda wish I'd stopped smoking soon enough to avoid that, but Mom swears she doesn't see it, so maybe I'm being too critical, or maybe mom's eyesight is worse than she thinks. 

I finally have an official diagnosis of Bipolar Type II, which I already knew so it's in no way shape, or form a surprise.  I am torn between wanting to be responsible and take care of all my health issues and just wanting to ignore it all and stay home like always. That's not a realistic goal, of course, since I have to go to school four days a week, but damn, I'm tired!!

I broke up with Jeff in October when Mom was in the hospital, and all he wanted to know was if I was going to go away with him at the end of the month to Orlando, FL.  He still tries to text me sometimes, and I have to block him, all he asks is about sex. No how's mom, no I miss you, just, can you have a threesome with me and some girl. If I ever miss him I think of that and bask in my single status. 

So what is my final takeaway? Getting old ain't for the young. 

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