When life gives you lemons...
If you had asked me in high school where I thought I'd be in in 15 years, I'm not sure what I would have said, but I fairly certain it would have been no where near where I am today!!! I'm reading the James Frey novel A Million Little Pieces, and it's amazing how, in spite of the fact that I am not an addict, I really identify with the man. I feel that I am responsible for the choices I have made, I cannot blame them on biology or the failures of my parents, I made a choice over and over to do the things I have done. From quitting school, to driving illegally, to smoking pot and to commiting myself to Laura and the kids. I am not sorry about the last choice, the others I would change if I could.
I am angry at Laura. That's not something I have not said to her, nor will I, but I am angry at Laura. She let me devote myself, my life, to being a second parent to those boys then she decided to leave and I was not consulted, they were not consulted. No one but her got a vote! That was wrong. We were not thriving but we were surviving, we were a family, and she tore that family apart because she thought it was for the best. I miss my family, but I am getting used to being without them. That stinks, I don't want to get used to being without them. I want to be incapacitated by my loss, huddeled in a ball in the corner in the dark, weeping. I am surviving, and I hate myself for it.
I fel sometimes like I have been acting my entire life the way I believe I am supposed to in any given situation, like I have rehearsed in my head what I should feel, say do before I actually act to try it out. I don't always know who I am really because so much of me feels false.
I am not scared to be alone, but I don't like it. I am scared to try and be in a relationship, because 1. I never have been and I am alreay 35 and 2. The women in my family ( at least the ones who playes a part in raising me) have atrocious taste in men!!! I don't want to be with someone just to avoid being alone, I want to be with someone because I cannot imagine being without them. I don't think that will happen. Ever.
I don't believe that crap people say about not being able to love anyone else if you don't love yourself. My mom loves everyone in the world but herself, and I don't love myself but I love plenty of other people. Some days I hate myself, some I just dislike certain things about me. Doesn't mean I don't love my boys or my family, or my friends.
My favorite Little Woman is Beth, I think that sums up my personality well. Not Jo or Amy or even Meg ( who frankly I remeber as being sort of a dull character) but tragic, martyred Beth.
I would be Beth if I could. Selfless, sweet, dying. She doesn't have to do the hard stuff that is living, she gets to be all wise and sad, and die before everyone else and rest. I'm not sucidal ( at the moment) but the idea of having a fatal illness that you didn't give yourself, you can't be blames for appeals to me.
This sounds more morose than I meant it to, but these are my thoughts, I am random I am morose at times. I'm also pissy whiny funny stupid crazy and smart at various times.
I am angry at Laura. That's not something I have not said to her, nor will I, but I am angry at Laura. She let me devote myself, my life, to being a second parent to those boys then she decided to leave and I was not consulted, they were not consulted. No one but her got a vote! That was wrong. We were not thriving but we were surviving, we were a family, and she tore that family apart because she thought it was for the best. I miss my family, but I am getting used to being without them. That stinks, I don't want to get used to being without them. I want to be incapacitated by my loss, huddeled in a ball in the corner in the dark, weeping. I am surviving, and I hate myself for it.
I fel sometimes like I have been acting my entire life the way I believe I am supposed to in any given situation, like I have rehearsed in my head what I should feel, say do before I actually act to try it out. I don't always know who I am really because so much of me feels false.
I am not scared to be alone, but I don't like it. I am scared to try and be in a relationship, because 1. I never have been and I am alreay 35 and 2. The women in my family ( at least the ones who playes a part in raising me) have atrocious taste in men!!! I don't want to be with someone just to avoid being alone, I want to be with someone because I cannot imagine being without them. I don't think that will happen. Ever.
I don't believe that crap people say about not being able to love anyone else if you don't love yourself. My mom loves everyone in the world but herself, and I don't love myself but I love plenty of other people. Some days I hate myself, some I just dislike certain things about me. Doesn't mean I don't love my boys or my family, or my friends.
My favorite Little Woman is Beth, I think that sums up my personality well. Not Jo or Amy or even Meg ( who frankly I remeber as being sort of a dull character) but tragic, martyred Beth.
I would be Beth if I could. Selfless, sweet, dying. She doesn't have to do the hard stuff that is living, she gets to be all wise and sad, and die before everyone else and rest. I'm not sucidal ( at the moment) but the idea of having a fatal illness that you didn't give yourself, you can't be blames for appeals to me.
This sounds more morose than I meant it to, but these are my thoughts, I am random I am morose at times. I'm also pissy whiny funny stupid crazy and smart at various times.
Hey darlin', welcome to blogspot!
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally hear you about the ladies in this family. I lucked out with my parents, that's for sure.
And not that I have all the answers, but marrying my best friend has worked out well so far. :)
Keep writing!
I didn't mean that to sound condescending! Sorry!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about having those days that you hate yourself, and the days that you only dislike certain things about yourself. That's how I feel most of the time as well.
And as Buffy said, "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." And Whedon can't be wrong.
It toatally didn't send condescemdimg, no worries!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you ever feel anything like me, to me you are beautiful, smart and amazing!!
You'r parents are probably the only good example of marriage I've ever known.