Death of a man

By -
Not so much a salesman, but hey, he was a man, he's dead now...

My father died yesterday. Got a text message from my brother saying, "He passed, his suffering on earth is done," and my mom said, "he had a hard life," two people who actually knew the man I only know by name. Gave me a different view to consider. Everyone has that epiphany moment when you realize that your parents are just people, for some it comes early, others, not so much. I've always thought of Jim, as the father who walked away from me, for his other family. I heard the stories of Vietnam, of who he was, and it never penetrated. The idea that he was a man, someone with dreams that never came true, he went to elementary school somewhere, he had friends, and was an individual, completely separate from his role as deadbeat dad. To quote Sugar Ray, how bizarre!!
More than his reality as a person, is the idea of him suffering. Wait, so I'm not the only one who suffered? Wow, time to stop and adjust my thinking.


Farewell Jim.
To say I hardly knew ye would be an abuse of irony. I didn't know you at all, your choice, and the half hearted apology you offered me, that you thought of me through the years, means nothing to me now. I'm not sad. I won't cry for you, if I find any tears, they'll be for myself. You may have been a man, even a good man before you gave in to your addictions, but you were a lousy father. I deserved someone better than you. I hope you found peace, but the question won't keep me awake at night. I believe in karma, and I can't know the sum total of yours but I can and do believe that walking away from your first born is gonna be a major bitch in your next lifetime. The thought doesn't give me a happy, but again, not gonna lose any sleep over it either. I can't offer you any absolution, but neither do I condemn you for what you were. It is what it is. I have a life, that was built without your help. Maybe you would have liked me if we'd met. Maybe I would have been worse off if you'd decided to stick around. I just can't know and I won't allow myself to spend the next 37 years of my life wondering, the way I spent the first 37. It's done now.


Sincerely,
A woman you created but never knew

Comments

  1. LauraMay 4, 2011 at 6:21 AM

    Sugar Ray doesn't sing "How Bizarre".

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jeannette DesmondMay 4, 2011 at 10:15 AM

    wow. really? lmfao that is what you have to say?
    w/e who sings it then?

    ReplyDelete
  3. AngieMay 4, 2011 at 11:48 AM

    That was wonderful to read. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I think you have a really great attitude about it though. <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jeannette DesmondMay 5, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    Thanks Ang!!! <3

    ReplyDelete

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