Today was not a good day..
Everyday is different, I know, some days I'm okay, or at least ya know as okay as I ever get. Today wasn't one of those days. I said last time I'd talk about life since I got to back to PA, so maybe let's do that shall we?
I came back March 6, I almost said home, but to be honest, this doesn't feel like home anymore, so I've changed it. Ah, the power of backspace!! Anyway, I got back on March sixth, and I thought I knew what was going to happen, stay with my est friend, give her part of my money every month, send the rest down to my boyfriend in Mississippi, work at my stepjerk's bar and go to school for my LPN. I had a plan! Plans are important!! They save us from being lost in the woods, not knowing what the bloody hell we're doing, or where we're going. Yeah...you now that old saying about man plans, and God laughs? Yeah exactly.
So no job, I had committed the unforgivable sin of trying to apply for unemployment while down south, so I was too much of a risk to rehire after all, and my best friend decided she couldn't afford her place so she was moving in with her boyfriend, and the school thing somehow just got put aside when I no longer had a place to take that LPN to to start to use it.
So, I'm here, I have no job, I'm still living at my best friends place, alone now, with no real way to support myself, and no schooling planned, and applying for job after job that I don't get, and oh yes, now I'm single.
side note: I have talked to my ex a lot since my last post, and it's been really nice actually, to have a conversation with him that doesn't degenerate into me crying and him getting pissed off and signing out to get away from me. He is talking about a serious commitment with his new girlfriend and that smarts, but I am happy for them, and hope she can be whatever he needs, whatever it was that I couldn't be.
I had 2 interviews when I came back for a call center. a job I actually did for well over 10 years, and did really well at and didn't get either, I just had another last week, and I didn't get that one either. Everyone keeps saying something will come along, something has to give soon, but why? Where is it written that I have to get a break eventually? Seriously? No one anywhere is guaranteed anything in life.
Also, I may have mentioned I got stood up for my first post break up date, and not in a nice lie hey my mom was in an accident kind of way either. No, I got, hey I decided to see some other girl instead, wanna do it tomorrow, stood up. LOL even my dating stories are pathetic!
My ex used to say I was really negative, it was his first complaint, when I moved down there, and a big issue between us. I didn't want to believe it about myself, but he was probably right. I can be a gloom and doom kind of person, at least that's the way I feel today, and a lot lately actually. I would love to be someone that always keeps positive, and looks for my blessings, but that's just not me I suppose, I feel overwhelmed by my failures, and paralyzed by my inability to find even a simple job at this point.
I am about to be 38, I have no children, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, I have no money, no license, no car, and no prospects. Right now, at this moment I feel like there's no point in anything I do. Like I am nothing but a burden to my family, my friends love me, but they don't need me, no one does, so why am I here? What purpose do I serve?
Wow, this degenerated quickly into a pity party didn't it? Sorry bout that folks...there's a lesson to be learned here, don't blog at 4:30 am!! So, anyway that's the follow up for the last couple months. In 3 weeks I'll have a birthday, I'll be 38 years old, and I have no earthly idea where life is taking me. Isn't that great? Doesn't it make you wanna just jump up and down and scream whoopdee frickin doo? lol Yeah me neither
that's all for now sports fans, I'm out
but remind me later and I'll fill ya in on the amazing reaction I recieved from someone that's NOT my ex on my last blog post ;)
I came back March 6, I almost said home, but to be honest, this doesn't feel like home anymore, so I've changed it. Ah, the power of backspace!! Anyway, I got back on March sixth, and I thought I knew what was going to happen, stay with my est friend, give her part of my money every month, send the rest down to my boyfriend in Mississippi, work at my stepjerk's bar and go to school for my LPN. I had a plan! Plans are important!! They save us from being lost in the woods, not knowing what the bloody hell we're doing, or where we're going. Yeah...you now that old saying about man plans, and God laughs? Yeah exactly.
So no job, I had committed the unforgivable sin of trying to apply for unemployment while down south, so I was too much of a risk to rehire after all, and my best friend decided she couldn't afford her place so she was moving in with her boyfriend, and the school thing somehow just got put aside when I no longer had a place to take that LPN to to start to use it.
So, I'm here, I have no job, I'm still living at my best friends place, alone now, with no real way to support myself, and no schooling planned, and applying for job after job that I don't get, and oh yes, now I'm single.
side note: I have talked to my ex a lot since my last post, and it's been really nice actually, to have a conversation with him that doesn't degenerate into me crying and him getting pissed off and signing out to get away from me. He is talking about a serious commitment with his new girlfriend and that smarts, but I am happy for them, and hope she can be whatever he needs, whatever it was that I couldn't be.
I had 2 interviews when I came back for a call center. a job I actually did for well over 10 years, and did really well at and didn't get either, I just had another last week, and I didn't get that one either. Everyone keeps saying something will come along, something has to give soon, but why? Where is it written that I have to get a break eventually? Seriously? No one anywhere is guaranteed anything in life.
Also, I may have mentioned I got stood up for my first post break up date, and not in a nice lie hey my mom was in an accident kind of way either. No, I got, hey I decided to see some other girl instead, wanna do it tomorrow, stood up. LOL even my dating stories are pathetic!
My ex used to say I was really negative, it was his first complaint, when I moved down there, and a big issue between us. I didn't want to believe it about myself, but he was probably right. I can be a gloom and doom kind of person, at least that's the way I feel today, and a lot lately actually. I would love to be someone that always keeps positive, and looks for my blessings, but that's just not me I suppose, I feel overwhelmed by my failures, and paralyzed by my inability to find even a simple job at this point.
I am about to be 38, I have no children, I have no job, I have no boyfriend, I have no money, no license, no car, and no prospects. Right now, at this moment I feel like there's no point in anything I do. Like I am nothing but a burden to my family, my friends love me, but they don't need me, no one does, so why am I here? What purpose do I serve?
Wow, this degenerated quickly into a pity party didn't it? Sorry bout that folks...there's a lesson to be learned here, don't blog at 4:30 am!! So, anyway that's the follow up for the last couple months. In 3 weeks I'll have a birthday, I'll be 38 years old, and I have no earthly idea where life is taking me. Isn't that great? Doesn't it make you wanna just jump up and down and scream whoopdee frickin doo? lol Yeah me neither
that's all for now sports fans, I'm out
but remind me later and I'll fill ya in on the amazing reaction I recieved from someone that's NOT my ex on my last blog post ;)
You are not a burden! I am so freaking happy that you are coming to my party. Don't you dare feel like a burden to those who love you. I understand it though. I do. I have felt that way, and probably have at times been a burden. But you and I have something else in common, we help other people any chance we get. If right now, you are the one who needs the extra help (and you need a lot of it, that's ok) next time you are in the position to, you will help someone else. I know you will. That's just who you are.
ReplyDeleteAs to a purpose, I've asked myself that a lot lately too. And been accused of being very negative. But you know what? Sometimes life fucking sucks. I think it is important to find something positive whenever you find yourself dwelling on all the bad shit. It doesn't make the bad shit go away, but it does make it a tiny bit less overwhelming. Even if that positive thing is that you have a hot pink shirt. Or that you are listening to a song that you love. Or you saw a bunny in the yard. Or whatever.
But that doesn't make life not suck. However, I've found that the more that I force myself to notice and mention those little things, the more I do notice them the rest of the time and the more I can focus on them.
I can't tell you how many times I have asked myself why purpose I serve to the world, in my darker moments. Not that I am in any way suicidal, I would never do that to those who love me, but I have wondered why. Why am I around at all? But, then someone will remind me, like I am reminding you now, that we are caring people. The world needs people like us that care. The down side is that we also get hurt more because we care more. But we can be amazing friends (and cousins!) and we can help others. Even if it is just posting on someone else's blog that you love. Sharing love matters. In a world like ours, what the hell else is there really? There's love, and the people/animals/art/activities that we love. What else really matters?
thank you love, I appreciate it more than I can say. I'm trying to find my bunny in the yard, which is funny cause I actually get those. I really do wanna make your party I hope mom can drop me, that's my happy thought right now. :)
ReplyDelete