One month in..

almost, anyway. By my reckoning, Maurice and I started talking around April 9th, so we're just a couple of days shy. Let's see then in one month's time, I've shifted Mark back to his rightful place as a really good friend, lost a father I never knew I had to begin with and fallen head over heels for a man who lives 1100 miles away. Oh I've also had my best friend and her three boys who I love like my own move in with me, decided my landlord is a gorram lunatic, and started looking for a new place. Not a bad months work!!

I love having L and the boys here, being able to see them all the time after a 2 year hiatus, is amazing. The only drawbacks are a. we're really cramped in this tiny apartment b. My landlord is wigging out that she hasn't got a place yet even though it's been less than a month and c. she is not thrilled with my new interest in Maurice. The last doesn't bother me overmuch, except that I want my best friend and the guy I love to get along. We're going to look at a place for her and fill out the application on Friday morning. She doesn't want to do the application there but I think it is necessary.

Mark and mom were fighting, which is slightly annoying, since I happen to love both of them, and don't deal well with friction in my admittedly small world. They made up though and all is well again. Meghan may be expecting, and aside from the jealousy I always feel at hearing someone who's not me is pregnant, I couldn't care less. Sure sign that I have moved on....

Which brings us to Maurice. I hesitate to say love, it's a big word, and I haven't even seen him in person yet. I always thought people that got involved over the internet were a little touched. Seemed odd to me that you could really form a life connection via the web, but I swear that I have a connection to him, like none I've ever had with anyone. He trusts me, which means everything to me. If I am upset it's his voice I want to hear. He makes me smile, just by thinking about him. He also makes me laugh, a lot!! He's going through so much shit right now, and it breaks my heart that I can't really do anything to help. I want to hold him and protect him from anything or anyone that might cause him any pain. He is unbelievably sexy to me. I want him, and no one else. Not saying they're lining up at my door, but even I have options, just no interest. The thought that if I'm patient I can be with him is good enough for me. When I go to bed at night I fantasize I am with him, that I can feel him warm against me. Is that lame? Sigh, it really is.

He has 2 kids, a girl and a boy and he is all about them. Even in a text, it totally comes through, how much he loves them, and needs them. I think it's sexy as hell, that his number one priority in life is to be a good daddy. The drawback for him to be here, means to be away from his little boy, who lives with his mom, and I know that will just about kill him. I even told him I'd be willing to move to where he lives now, if he found a way to stay there, to be closer to his son. I meant it, still do. I gave up on the idea of finding someone I wanted to be with for forever (or at least a really long time a long ass) time ago. That the possibility presented itself at this stage of my life seems borderline miraculous, so I'm not gonna let something like 1100 miles keep me from giving it a try. I really believe that life only gives you so many chances to grab happiness, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spit at mine. Wish L understood that, I feel like I've supported her even if I didn't necessarily agree with what she was doing, I just want the same thing. I appreciate the concern that I know this comes from, but I'm also hard headed enough to do exactly what I want regardless of what anyone else thinks. It'd just be nice to share this feeling with the person who's one of the two people who know me best in all the world.

The other thing is trying to gauge where I am at with him when 90% of our conversations are via text message. Words are wonderful things, but they lack inflection when on a phone screen. I have to go by, content, length, it is exhausting to try and figure out where this bipolar man is at any moment, and proceed accordingly. Not complaining, I wouldn't change him if I could, except maybe his location, but I do much better with vocal indicators, body language, etc.

Which brings us to my father, and his death. I already talked about that 2 days ago, so uh, don't feel the need to revisit that subject, yet. Still processing, my brother posted on facebook yesterday, and a friend of his made the comment she remembered both his parents from high school. It suddenly struck me that total strangers knew my father better than I did. Then today I realized the possibility exists that his ex wife, my brothers mother might be at the memorial. New shocks every day, like I said still processing.