My Randomness

I'm sure it's not really the case, but I feel like everywhere I turn I'm being confronted with pregnancies babies, reproductive issues...it's like drowning in a sea of motherhood. This is what it feels like to those of you who wonder to be approaching 40 and childless. The fact that I was pregnant just over a year doesn't help. You hear about the "biological clock" ticking away and when you're 20 you shrug it off thinking that will never be you...then you get to your thirties and you laugh self consciously while telling yourself you still have plenty of time... I'm 38, and each period I get feels like a step closer to a death sentence for a child I don't have. The truth is I will almost certainly never be a mother, and I grow more convinced every day that I will also never find someone to spend my life with. These are the hard truths I grapple with daily. Telling myself, that I don't actually KNOW that these are facts, while inside I wail...

Everyday is different, I know, some days I'm okay, or at least ya know as okay as I ever get.  Today wasn't one of those days. I said last time I'd talk about life since I got to back to PA, so maybe let's do that shall we? I came back March 6, I almost said home, but to be honest, this doesn't feel like home anymore, so I've changed it. Ah, the power of backspace!! Anyway, I got back on March sixth, and I thought I knew what was going to happen, stay with my est friend, give her part of my money every month, send the rest down to my boyfriend in Mississippi, work at my stepjerk's bar and go to school for my LPN. I had a plan! Plans are important!! They save us from being lost in the woods, not knowing what the bloody hell we're doing, or where we're going. Yeah...you now that old saying about man plans, and God laughs? Yeah exactly. So no job, I had committed the unforgivable sin of trying to apply for unemployment while down south, so I was too...

So, let's review shall we?  I reconnected with an old "friend", fell in love...agreed to move a thousand miles away to be with him, had my mom fly him here first as my birthday gift last year to try it out first, and got pregnant. My first pregnancy ever, something I'd given up on. I was so happy, I had a man I loved, a real relationship for the first time ever, a baby on the way, a whole new life. So what if my friends thought I was crazy, my family thought it was a mistake? I mean here was everything I ever dreamed of, and I had him telling me he was going to love me forever, and we were going to build a new life together. So I went, I quit my jobs, I gave up my apartment, gave all my furniture away, and just closed my eyes took a deep breath and leaped off the cliff. Cut to October 8th, I lost the baby. I went into labor, and my daughter died. Apparently my body has like way more bacteria than ya know, everyone else. So while she should have been safe inside my w...

So if you read this blog, or for that matter, my Facebook, you know that I have moved back to Pennsylvania and that Allen and I have broken up. *snort* No, we didn't "break up", that is too polite a phrase. He dumped me, he didn't even have the decency to tell me with a phone call or a text or even a message on Facebook, he just changed his relationship status. He said, when he finally talked to me about it, that he didn't want a fight or a discussion...I guess that's fair. He said we weren't happy and that he didn't think we could be, so he ended it, but that part of him still loved me. Then the next day he found out I'd taken his football jersey with me when I left, I wanted something special that I knew he cared about, to feel like he was close, until I went back. Suddenly, he didn't actually still love me, I was a piece of shit a thief a liar and he DID have a new girlfriend even though he had denied it, he never wanted to speak to me aga...

It's been almost 4 months since I lost the baby....seems so short when I type it but it feels like a lifetime. I've grieved and tried to move on but if I'm honest, which I am tonight, I haven't moved on at all. I've become obsessed, with the loss with replacing the baby I lost with a new pregnancy. As I think on it tonight,I'm struck with this epiphany, it has become my obsession. The idea of getting pregnant fills my thoughts to the point that I think of very little else. It's poisoning my relationship, there are other issues like all couples, but I'm realizing that the anger and depression this has caused is the main thing that's slowly choking the life out of us. I don't know how to fix it, how to let go of any of it, how to move on. I feel stuck!!! How do I let go and focus instead on rebuilding my life when all I can think of is what I've lost? Logically I know that it's not healthy to try and replace the daughter I lost but telling...