My Randomness

 My mom may be dying. I just buried my "step-jerk" on December 6th, I wrote his obituary, planned his viewing and burial, made the arrangements, drove Mom, chose Paul's casket, and arranged for the opening and closing of the vault where he was placed. I still have to settle the estate and take care of the final bills, but my mom went to the hospital on January 1st and has been there since then. I ugly sobbed in my car the other day with Duncan and his friend Scott, when it really hit me. Karissa can't deal so she has been hiding ignoring the world and reality. I am not prepared to exist in a world that doesn't have my mom in it I will do whatever I have to to keep moving forward, but when I stop finding ways to keep my hands busy and have time to examine my emotions I will not recover I can't even unpack the fact that the primary source of my teen misery, the emotionally abusive fuck, that sexually assaulted me on two occasions, abused Kim, that treated my mot...

 Not 64 yet, but this year is 50, so I feel the song is appropriate. I'm almost old enough for a senior discount ffs. How did this happen? Or when, cause I don't feel like a senior citizen, well scratch that, my brain doesn't, nope scratch that too.....well damn, I'm old. I'm tired, I've been working since I was 14, and not at any job that was "easy", not sure that's the word, but there ya go. I've worked in customer service for most of my professional life, and it sucked. I have hated it and the pay sucks ass, BUT that's my fault. I fafo in high school so the result was my so-called career. I will say that my jobs allowed me to help support the family I created with Laura and the kids, so I'm not sorry for the choices I made, I'm just sorry I didn't provide better for that family. Now as for my body, I may be in perimenopause, or hell menopause itself, I don't know, though my obgyn doesn't feel the need for pap smears, ...

 If you don't know the song from the title please go find it and listen to it. I may not have given birth to my boys, but they are my sons. I love them with every fiber of my being and I would gladly die for them.  They're not kids anymore, Duncan will be 23 this March, Conor will be 22 and Tristan is 19 now. They grew up, and they're starting out on their journey as adults. It scares the hell out of me to think of them and of the roads they have before them. I absolutely trust them , and I know they will falter, they'll make mistakes, they'll have their hearts broken but they'll also have great accomplishments, they will win sometimes, and I can't wait to see them make those decisions.     I do miss the days of them being little, I miss those little people and the times I got to spend with them. I am having some issues adjusting to the idea that I am a middle aged empty nester. Hell I'm border line a senior ffs at almost 50. The idea that high school wa...

      It's been almost 6 months since my friend John died. I think about him all the time, honestly, more often by far than I did when he was alive.  Does that make me a selfish person? Maybe, but I prefer to think that I just counted on his existence as a given. The way we think of our parents or siblings or children as part of our lives that will always be there. I always made sure when I spoke with John that he knew how deeply I valued him, I have no regrets in that, but I , like most people, just always thought there would be another day. Paul was right when he said, "now, I need a place to hide away, oh I believe in yesterday ."          John was an amazing man, full of life and smiles and love and such a gift to the people whose lives he touched.  Which is not to say he was always happy or without sadness. He was a real person, and more than that he was a man who grew up in a rural midwestern blue collar family that was deeply...

 If you're old enough to know the song then you already know today's ruminations are about being what millennials call a side chic.  Harry was my lover for 6 years and my friend and now he's gone.  I don't know where they buried him and I don't want to ask the woman he lived with cause she didn't know for sure that we still saw each other/  I hadn't slept with him in almost a year but we still saw each other and there was sexual contact just not intercourse.      I didn't find out he died till almost a month after it happened so I've been struggling with feeling like I don't have a right to mourn him, because he wasn't "mine".  My therapist says I can feel whatever I feel and while obviously duh but also, really? I was never going to be the person he spent his life with. That desire died in my heart when I found out he'd moved in with Trista  He said he hadn't had a chance to tell me.  Yeah he had, we'd talked plenty and...

I started my period yesterday. When did my period become a knife through me? I feel the signs of pms and no matter how much I tell myself, this is pms, my secret heart hopes and searches for signs that it is really early pregnancy signs. Do my breasts itch? Was I grumpy and emotional when I got pregnant? Could it be??? I know, in my brain, that I'm not pregnant, but my heart still hopes and that hope is killing me by inches. I hate when I hear someone is pregnant, I hate them for having what I can't, and I hate myself for being so angry and butter still after all this time. I don't know how to make the cycle stop. I am single, and not in good shape financially so it wouldn't be great for me to bring a child into this life anyway. I'm obese which they say makes it harder to get pregnant but I can't ring myself to care about any of that. It's selfish and stupid and it's all I can think about anymore.