You're Nobody Called Today....

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 If you're old enough to know the song then you already know today's ruminations are about being what millennials call a side chic.  Harry was my lover for 6 years and my friend and now he's gone.  I don't know where they buried him and I don't want to ask the woman he lived with cause she didn't know for sure that we still saw each other/  I hadn't slept with him in almost a year but we still saw each other and there was sexual contact just not intercourse.  

   I didn't find out he died till almost a month after it happened so I've been struggling with feeling like I don't have a right to mourn him, because he wasn't "mine".  My therapist says I can feel whatever I feel and while obviously duh but also, really? I was never going to be the person he spent his life with. That desire died in my heart when I found out he'd moved in with Trista  He said he hadn't had a chance to tell me.  Yeah he had, we'd talked plenty and at any point he could  have said he'd moved in with this woman.  He thought I would be angry, but I was less angry than disappointed.  It was obvious he didn't see our relationship they way I did.  


I have pictures that I printed that were selfies he sent me framed and all over my bedroom.  I find myself wondering if I should take them down or just lean into it and leave them all up.  I'm 46 I'm almost 50 and Harry was the last man I told I loved.  Now that he's gone I feel like my sex life could be gone too.  I can't imagine wanting someone again.  Feeling turned on and excited by someone.  I  have no sex drive, whether that's from my antidepressant medication or losing Harry I don't know but right now I don't care if I never have sex again

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