Another month another box of pads...

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I started my period yesterday. When did my period become a knife through me? I feel the signs of pms and no matter how much I tell myself, this is pms, my secret heart hopes and searches for signs that it is really early pregnancy signs. Do my breasts itch? Was I grumpy and emotional when I got pregnant? Could it be??? I know, in my brain, that I'm not pregnant, but my heart still hopes and that hope is killing me by inches.

I hate when I hear someone is pregnant, I hate them for having what I can't, and I hate myself for being so angry and butter still after all this time. I don't know how to make the cycle stop. I am single, and not in good shape financially so it wouldn't be great for me to bring a child into this life anyway. I'm obese which they say makes it harder to get pregnant but I can't ring myself to care about any of that. It's selfish and stupid and it's all I can think about anymore.

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