My Randomness

 If you're old enough to know the song then you already know today's ruminations are about being what millennials call a side chic.  Harry was my lover for 6 years and my friend and now he's gone.  I don't know where they buried him and I don't want to ask the woman he lived with cause she didn't know for sure that we still saw each other/  I hadn't slept with him in almost a year but we still saw each other and there was sexual contact just not intercourse.      I didn't find out he died till almost a month after it happened so I've been struggling with feeling like I don't have a right to mourn him, because he wasn't "mine".  My therapist says I can feel whatever I feel and while obviously duh but also, really? I was never going to be the person he spent his life with. That desire died in my heart when I found out he'd moved in with Trista  He said he hadn't had a chance to tell me.  Yeah he had, we'd talked plenty and...

I started my period yesterday. When did my period become a knife through me? I feel the signs of pms and no matter how much I tell myself, this is pms, my secret heart hopes and searches for signs that it is really early pregnancy signs. Do my breasts itch? Was I grumpy and emotional when I got pregnant? Could it be??? I know, in my brain, that I'm not pregnant, but my heart still hopes and that hope is killing me by inches. I hate when I hear someone is pregnant, I hate them for having what I can't, and I hate myself for being so angry and butter still after all this time. I don't know how to make the cycle stop. I am single, and not in good shape financially so it wouldn't be great for me to bring a child into this life anyway. I'm obese which they say makes it harder to get pregnant but I can't ring myself to care about any of that. It's selfish and stupid and it's all I can think about anymore.

I swore after Allen I wouldn't let myself fall in love again. That I didn't trust myself to recognize if someone actually loved me back or if they were another person just looking for someone to hold on to until something better (to them) came along. No, not for me, the pain of loving someone wanting to be with them forever only to find out that that isn't what they wanted at all. So much easier to just have sexual partners, no romantic entanglements no feelings to be hurt. So, fast forward 4 years and I'm sitting here wanting to cry because I let my guard down again and this time I know far less about the man than I thought I knew about Allen.

You know when you go to a great party, the food is on point and the music all your favorites, and no one you hate shows up? Yeah, well neither do I but I've heard!!! Well for those of you who are familiar with that sort of thing, have you ever wondered about the what happens when the last guest leaves? How long does the host bask in their success, before the inevitable, "what now?" kicks in and they're left with nothing but the clean up and wondering what comes next? That's sort of how it feels when you realize you're 40 years old, single, at a job you hate more days then you don't and have no prospects for change in any of those things. We all get a list, say society imprints it into us, beginning the first time we watch a tv and every person we encounter from parents to teachers and friends helps to reinforce it daily until one day, without realizing just how it happened we wake up indoctrinated. The details differ slightly but overall it's fairly ...

So a month ago I lost my job. Mind you it wasn't a great job, it was a job that paid my bills though, something I desperately needed,

 The man I loved is dead.  What's worse is he died a month ago and I just found out.  I don't know what happened or how and no one told me, I saw a post by a mutual friend that mentioned it in passing.   Harry wasn't mine, I was a side chic and I hadn't even seen him this year, except maybe once in late winter or early spring.  We talked every now and then. The last time was in July, and he said he wanted to wait to see me until I was cleared by the doctor for sex, cause he would want to have sex.  Not that he was supposed to be having sex anyway.  He had to set his live in gf to have sex with someone else, cause he wasn't.  She didn't share our kinks,  he was into domination and ropes and she , at least as far as he told me was not. At the beginning I was not interested in falling in love.  I was in fact determined that I was not going to give my heart away again. ever. Then little by little he wormed his way in, until one day I re...

 On Sunday night around eleven thirty p.m I received a message from an old friend whom I hadn't talked to in years, Matty B. Telling me that my friend John Aaron was gone.  Matty was the younger brother of  one of my oldest and dearest friends John Aaron.  How to describe John, he was a force of mature, he made you smile without trying, and would have taken the clothes of his back if he saw someone he felt needed them more.  People always say that but with John, it was genuinely true.  We met in Fred Franklin's Drama class my freshman year of high school.      He lived in the development where the elementary schools were, with his mother and father, two brothers and a little sister.  I lived farther away from the high school with mu own little sister mom and her boyfriend.  We became good friends, in a large group of friends. I took care of his lovebirds when his family went on vacation,(more on that in a second) we went to the mo...