My Randomness

A week ago yesterday I was in the hospital a few hours away from miscarrying the baby I had been carrying for 15 weeks. She was born dead at 12 noon and I felt her leave me but never set eyes on her. Since then I've been told life goes on, I'm strong and I'll get through this, time will make it better...so many words that ultimately mean nothing. Some days I feel ok and some days I want to kill everyone I see or start to scream and never stop. What makes it worse is that everyone seems to expect me to be ok now, not that they expect me to be doing cartwheels but it's like I am not supposed to be sad or cry anymore. Like if I do I am wallowing in my sorrow and not trying to be happy. I am still sad, I am mad I want to die sometimes. I'm not sleeping, I don't want to eat anything but I do. I am tired of people expecting me to be what I'm not! My baby is dead, and I am not ok.

So Maurice has returned home. He stayed three weeks and, it was great. Having him here, felt utterly natural, I was totally at ease with him. He even managed to make friends with the people who were determined not to like him, lol! He even got a job offer from one of the bars regulars! We really didn't do ANYTHING, we stayed home watched tv, we were boring people. All the people who swore we'd fight, or thought that the chemistry wouldn't be there were totally wrong! There was chemistry, and I won't lie, I was afraid he would see me and suddenly realize he wasn't actually interested, but he was!! I know it's kind of pathetic, but I will be the first to say I have some very deeply rooted insecurities, so.... Now he"s gone and I feel totally lost. I am insecure wondering if he regrets asking me to move down there, if he just went along cause he was already here, and now is trying to figure out how to tell me he doesn't want a relationship with me after...

into Maurice's visit. The predictions of fights over Ramen noodles, or for that matter anything, have all been proven false so far. He got here, and despite my concerns over his coming in with L and mom, the ride went well. I'm both surprised and relieved. Everyone here seems to love him, which is not surprising at all, I knew that people would see what I see if they had the opportunity. It simply proves that I am always right, and people should really have more faith on me, lol!!! We haven't done anything really, between my not being able to afford to take time off work, and being broke we have mostly just stayed in. Not complaining you understand, I love being at home with him, regardless of what we're doing. He "seems" content with it as well, I certainly hope he's not bored...I do know he's been thinking about his kids, and I can sense that he misses them badly. It's the only true cloud on his visit so far, I think. Actually, mom was inte...

I did not plan any of this. When I told you to move here I had no idea I was going to meet someone who lived 1100 miles away, and that I would fall for him, and wind up deciding to move closer to him. That being said, I still believe this was a good move for you, we both know my mom even with all her Paul insanity is way more there for you and the kids then your mom was or ever would be, and within one month of getting here you have a job, a house, the potential for a promotion, a love life, and several new friends. I understand that you don't think it's smart, the choice I'm making, I even understand that you feel I lied to you, even though I didn't. This all happened very suddenly, should that give me pause, maybe, but it's not. I'm sorry if you feel like I misled you. That was NEVER my intention, I wanted you here while I was here, I wanted this, I still want that, I just want this other thing too. I can't have both, so I'm counting on the fact t...

I have made a decision, I'm moving to Mississippi. I have thought about it, weighed the pros and cons and the final decision while not an easy one, is one I am comfortable with. I hate leaving L and the boys, more even then leaving my mom and sister. They just got here, and the timing couldn't be any worse. Here's the thing, when L made the decision to go to Mass, she made it clear that it was her and the boys, I wasn't welcome, I wasn't pleased, but she's my best friend, so I supported her choice, and hoped for the best for her. All I'm hoping for is the same from her. I think everyone gets one reckless decision per lifetime in the name of romance. This one is mine. I've gone 37 years without making a single reckless decision like this, and I've earned the right to this one. Maybe it's a mistake, maybe I'll regret it. If I do, it's just as easy to buy a one way ticket to Pittsburgh from Jackson, as it is to buy one in the opposit...

almost, anyway. By my reckoning, Maurice and I started talking around April 9th, so we're just a couple of days shy. Let's see then in one month's time, I've shifted Mark back to his rightful place as a really good friend, lost a father I never knew I had to begin with and fallen head over heels for a man who lives 1100 miles away. Oh I've also had my best friend and her three boys who I love like my own move in with me, decided my landlord is a gorram lunatic, and started looking for a new place. Not a bad months work!! I love having L and the boys here, being able to see them all the time after a 2 year hiatus, is amazing. The only drawbacks are a. we're really cramped in this tiny apartment b. My landlord is wigging out that she hasn't got a place yet even though it's been less than a month and c. she is not thrilled with my new interest in Maurice. The last doesn't bother me overmuch, except that I want my best friend and the guy I love ...

Not so much a salesman, but hey, he was a man, he's dead now... My father died yesterday. Got a text message from my brother saying, "He passed, his suffering on earth is done," and my mom said, "he had a hard life," two people who actually knew the man I only know by name. Gave me a different view to consider. Everyone has that epiphany moment when you realize that your parents are just people, for some it comes early, others, not so much. I've always thought of Jim, as the father who walked away from me, for his other family. I heard the stories of Vietnam, of who he was, and it never penetrated. The idea that he was a man, someone with dreams that never came true, he went to elementary school somewhere, he had friends, and was an individual, completely separate from his role as deadbeat dad. To quote Sugar Ray, how bizarre!! More than his reality as a person, is the idea of him suffering. Wait, so I'm not the only one who suffered? W...

So at first my brother in law was totally stoked about Laura and the kids moving here. He thought, and I agree, that Alex having playmates his own age was a great thing. Now after just a few play dates, he feels he's being taken advantage of. * facepalm * Can I tell you how often I ask these people for anything? Yeah, like never. Now I remember the reason for that. Ya know it's like my cousin Jeannie, I forget when I'm with her how she totally flakes on visiting, and staying in touch 99% of the time, cause she's just so much fun to be with....with my sister and brother in law, I stay away, far away, most of the time, then I allow myself to be sucked in by them only to have one of them suddenly turn on me and remind me all over again why I stayed away in the first place!!!! My mom is another one that makes me crazy, she is all about how she wants to help, and she'll do this or that, and she does, but she's so bus helping everyone else too that she overcomm...

I believe I was deeply in the throes of a mad new crush. No worries gentle reader, I still am. lol. Maybe more than a crush, who knows. Special fuck you very much goes out to my bf and mom for the new moniker b.o.w and b.o.m, meaning boyfriend of the week and boyfriend of the month respectively. I'll grant that they have a valid point in that I can sometimes shift my affections suddenly, but I am not that bad!! T was like months, Mark was a friend for ages, before I realized he had the potential to be more, and now we come to my new object of affection. Tempted to use his real name, because a. I don't think he'd mind, and b. I don't think he'll read this. but to be safe let's call him Maurice. Maurice and I are still talking all day, everyday, via text. I went through 3000 text's as a mater of fact before I went ahead and added unlimited texts to my phone. We've discussed everything from foods, parenting, tv shows, music, suicide, criminal records (we...

So when last we spoke I was crushed by Mark's total unavailability. Mark who??? lol. I still think Mark is awesome, he's a really good friend, and I'm glad he's in my life, but guess what boys and girls, I have met someone. Funniest part is it was someone I've actually known for almost 25 years. We went to day care together if you can believe that. He was a little shit head, he karate kicked me in my face, and before you go all, that's how little boys treat girls they like, lemme stop you...no. He didn't like me, I'm not at all certain, we were even friends, back then. He was a friend of my friends, and aside from being in daycare together, we were in the same 5th and 6th grade classes. A mutual friend recently hooked back up with him, and suggested we should reconnect as well. We did, and it was fine. No sparks, he was with someone, I wasn't thinking about it. Then he went through some bad stuff, and we talked some more. Still, no sparkage. ...

So my father is dying. So says my half brother, via a facebook message I received tonight on my cell phone. He's gone in to hospice care and "they" don"t think he has much time left. I', not entirely certain who "they" are, or what exactly it is that he's dying from. My father has never met me, or to be fair, I have never met him. I guess he saw me a lot when I was a baby, but by the time I was a year old he was gone, for good. He moved away with his wife, his new son, and the baby girl she was carrying. I never got a card, a letter, even a postcard to say," hey how are you?" When I was about 25 years old I looked up my brother and found him and by extension my father. The reunion was not exactly heart warming. We talked a few times and I realized why his absence from my life up to that point was not a tragedy after all. After that my interest in the subject essentially vanished. I friended my brother on fb and eventually my siste...

So in about seven hours, I will be hitting the road with my sister brother in law and nephew on a five day vacation. I'm looking forward to the change of scenery. Get out of town and maybe get my mind off Mark. I'm becoming more than a little myopic on the subject. The drawbacks though are that I don't know that I trust my sister to be ...shit I don't even know the word, sane, behaved, normal, manageable??!! Whatever. I worry about what it'll be like to be trapped, hundreds of miles from home with her and Will for five whole days. Also of course my best friend and the boys just got to town yesterday, and I hate leaving so soon. I'll be taking my computer so believe me there will be bloggage throughout the trip. Whatever maybe I'll meet Mr. Perfect and he'll wipe the face of Mark from my memory. Doubtful, but you never know right?! Yeah I know stupid.

So I sent a good part of my evening with Mark and his new gf, we'll call her Meghan. Meghan is super nice. I hate her! I want to claw her eyes out with my bare hands! Like a lot. Does that make me a bad person? Yeah, well I'll repair my karma in some other way. Watching them together is an exquisite form of torture. He touches her, he kisses her they hold hands. I fantasize it's me not her, and then I fight the urge to cry! Why can't it be me??? She's talking about moving down here at the end of the summer, and I think I may have to kill myself. I can't stand the idea of not going around Mark. It would break my heart to lose him as a friend but how long can I continue to play nice with Meghan when I want to be her! Ugh!!

Facebook Social Networking makes it way too easy to obsess. I can track the status' of "Mark", his new girlfriend, her ex boyfriend, on and on. I can and do!! I know it's borderline creepy, and way obsessive, but I can't stop myself! I look for signs of trouble, I torture myself with every new sign of blissful coupleness. I remember when you were stuck, searching the phone book for a phone number and address, and then trying to figure out ways to casually stroll by to see if they were there. The modern age is a blessing and a curse in equal measures. According to The Social Network, even the great and powerful Zuckerburg gives in to the temptation!! Probably just a dramatic invention, but so perfect, it should be true, even if it isn't. FourSquare, Twitter, Formspring, facebook, they are tools of the modern masochist.

Tonight I hung out with "Mark" and another guy. Yeah I'm a masochist, we've established that. He's almost 11 years younger than me, and yet I'm totally nuts about him. His eyes twinkle, I swear to the FSM! It sounds juvenile and ridiculous, but they literally twinkle!!! He has hair that peeks out of the top of his shirt, and I swear, I wanna touch it. He's so completely not what I ever thought I wanted, and yet I really and truly desire him. Forget, for a minute, that he makes me laugh like no one else I know, that he always know the right thing to say to make me feel better, or to forget what I'm upset about in the first place, he makes me want to hold him and touch him. I have a genuine crush, I'm not in love but it could so easily happen. How does a 36 year old woman find herself, in this situation???? I am stupid, crazy in the grip of a girly crush? Isn't there some kind of expiration date for this sort of thing? Like you hit your ...

there's a guy I know, let's say his name is Mark. Mark is a friend. We met just over a year ago and we hang out sometimes, and he's great. When we first met he seemed interested in me, but he's totally not my type. In fact, physically he's like my anti-type. He's smart though, and funny and I almost always have fun when we hang out together. I never thought about it beyond that though. Then in the last week or two something changed. I'm not sure what caused the shift but I started to look at Mark in a totally new way. His eyes seems more twinkly, his heart seemed more obvious, his sex appeal seemed to go through the roof. He got a girlfriend then she dumped him, though I don't know that that played a significant role in my shifted p.o.v. Now I find myself flirting with him more, and annoyed by things that I would have just ignored before. He's also got a new girl he's interested in who seems interested in him as well. I want to tell him I've ...

I was reading through a friends blog just now and decided to write this...a friend on facebook mentioned that she is attending a funeral for a high school class mate today. I did a little looking and found the name then grabbed an old yearbook and discovered that I had highlighted it, meaning that at some point in some way I knew him. Aside from the name sounding vaguely familiar, he didn't ring any bells, his picture didn't spark any memories and I couldn't have pointed him out to anyone. It made me stop and wonder, how many people would say the same about me, if I died? It's sad to think about the people that pass through our lives and fade away, leaving nothing to remind us, except a highlighted name in a yearbook that sits dusty and forgotten on a bookshelf somewhere in our home. I hope that Preston Washington is remembered and cherished by many many people , just as I hope that when I die I will have left some tangible evidence in the hearts and minds of more than ...